What I used to believe

Inspired by “A Life Overseas”, a blog which I’ve been browsing this morning, I have decided to write my own “What I used to believe.”   I will quote from the post something which I found to be said incredibly well… 

“Moving overseas, however, tends to accelerate this process of change. When everything around you changes it is almost impossible not to change, too. If you open yourself at all to your new culture you will gain new ideas about what’s “normal”, and new ways of understanding right and wrong, honor and shame.”  (Click here to read the whole post)

You might not agree with the change I have gone through in my thinking, and way of seeing the world.  This is not meant to offend, but simply to share what I’ve learned, how I’ve changed and at least in part, where I am going towards.  If you don’t like what I have to say, you can write your own.

I’ll put the list, then under it an explanation of each. 

Noelle in Africa’s “I used to believe…”

        1. that rest was for the weak

        2. that I could become African

           3. that Jesus is enough

           4. that spending money to take care of myself was wrong
         5. that unless you lived like the locals you were doing something wrong 
         6. that being “homeless/placeless/not from anywhere specifically” was the best way to live

           7. that Africa was impoverish

           8. that friendship meant having shared interests and spending time together

           9. that I wasn’t capable of certain things   

       10. that there were right and wrong answers for just about everythin

           11. BONUS!  That everyone believed in a certain standard of morality   

1:  (that rest was for the weak) Yep.  I really did believe that.  And then reaped the consequences.  I went 13 months without a real break… and that was a disaster.  30 pounds, constant sickness, and total exhaustion later, I realized;  Rest is not for the weak, in fact it is for those who know themselves and value the work that they are doing.  It’s important to admit that we cannot do everything, all the time.

2:  (that I could become African)   Moving to Uganda I had high hopes of being able to “integrate” an d ”enculturate”… well, those soon faded.  The fact is, when you chose a life of any kind of overseas work, you are choosing to not belong anywhere. I don’t fit in Africa, and now I don’t fit in America.  The belief that I could be accepted as one of the people is hilarious now.  I just need to be content with being loved for who I am, American and all.   I’ve embraced the vision of living a bridge, helping people on both sides to grow in understanding, love and respect for each other.

3:  (the Jesus is enough) This one might offend someone.  Growing up and embracing a strong Christian faith, I was surrounded by and professed the belief that “Jesus is enough”… that He is enough strength, enough energy, enough love, and all of those thing.  Basically that He himself, in the essence of who He is, will provide for my every need, including emotional needs.  Well, after 2.5 years here, I have come to a point where I can say that is not true.  I LOVED this Blog post by the "The Very Worst Missionary" … She says exactly what I feel on the issue.

For those of you who don’t know, I have low thyroid.  I found out during my senior year of college.  It was brought on by the traumatic events of 2009.  I was able to get properly medicated, and faithfully take my thyroid every day.  About a year ago, I spiraled into a time of real depression, anxiety, anger, lethargy, and recognized the thyroid symptoms.  With the help of some great friends and my medical practitioner, I decided to up my dose of thyroid, and have been feeling fine since.

I don’t believe that Jesus is enough.  In lonely moments, during panic attacks, times of anger and depression, after traumatic events, you need PEOPLE, and you need HELP.  I don’t say this in any way to under value the amazing work that God does in our lives.  But I also believe that the “Jesus is enough” line can be dangerous.  We are relational beings, God never wanted to be “all that we needed” or he would have only made one of us.

4.  (that spending money to take care of myself was wrong)  I used to believe in ultimate frugality, if it wasn’t an utter necessity, you don’t get/do it.  Now, by the world’s standards, I am still a ridiculously frugal person… but at least I have learned that it’s ok to spend money to go to the gym, eat food that will not make you fat or sick, and occasionally even get a peddie for those nasty and abused toes. (This one is still a little hard, not going to lie)

5. (unless you lived like the locals, you were doing something wrong)  I learned most of these things the hard way.  I tried living in the village, sharing a house with African.  I did ok, honestly. But in the end, I couldn’t cut it.  And I finally realized that I didn’t have to.  Some people are able to live in environments that are harsh, I am one of them.  But I had to realize that it was ok to take care of personal certain needs.  I had to realize that no one expected me to be able to do everything like the locals.  This realization came around with #2.

6: (that being “homeless/placeless/not from anywhere specifically” was the best way to live)  Among the expat community in East Africa the question is always asked “where are you from?” or “where do you call home”?  And there is a tradition that you are somehow seen as “cooler” if you don’t really have a home, or have “moved around a lot”, or have “lived in X number of countries in the last 10 years”… yeah, it’s sort of cool, I’m sure you have good stories. 

But I’ve come to realize that I need roots, and that I need to be from somewhere.  So I’ve finally embraced it.  I’m from Michigan.  Ann Arbor is my home, and Grand Rapids is the city where I went to school and want to move back to.  If I bought a house today, it would be in Grand Rapids. 

I actually don’t have the traditional sense of home anymore, unlike most of my friends, my parents had to sell our house 6 years ago.  Thankfully I have friends who take me in, but I have realized I could embrace this “homeless” identity.   I’m not going to.  Having a place is healthy.  Having people you love and miss is a sign of strength.  So, I am from Michigan.  I like Michigan.  My second home is Dublin, Ireland.  I would live there for the rest of my life if I could.  I have place, I have people, and I am now ok with that. 

7:  (that Africa is impoverished)   I think you have to live here for a while to realize that this is totally not true.  I used to believe that Africa was poor, without resources, opportunity or access.  That is very much not true.  This place is incredibly rich with resource, climate, man power.  There are countless NGOs doing work in Uganda and Kenya.  I’ve learned that the “problem” is a lot more complex

8:  (that friendship meant having shared interests and spending time together)   I have a lot of Ugandan and East African friends.  I don’t necessarily have much in common with a lot of them, but I love them and they love me.  I also have a ton of friends in America, Europe, and Asia I never see… but I know that we are together in spirit and that we are stronger for knowing that the other is there.  This is especially true with those people who know you on an very deep level. 

9: (that I wasn’t capable of certain things)   I can be very prideful.  Over the years, I think I had a mental list of things that I could “never do”.  Yet, the last 3 years have taught me that, without a doubt, I am capable of any terrible thing.  I am just one step away, one fall from grace.  I’m not confessing that I’ve killed someone or something, just admitting that I am incredibly human and that if I was in different situations, I could do terrible things.  Seeing, hearing about, and experiencing poverty, violence, abuse, discrimination and danger gives you second chance to evaluate your personal ability to harm.

10.  (that there were right and wrong answers for just about everything)   I was a stubborn person, probably still am.  I’ve learned here that my personality type loves black and white, clear situations, easy to box things.  But I have also learned that nothing in life is black and white, that someone will always have an argument on the other side.

I DO still believe in Absolute Truth, and I think that we are coming into a time when many people do not believe that there is such a thing.  I just have learned that there are not as many absolutely right ways of doing, seeing, thinking as I thought there were. 

11:  (BONUS!  That everyone believed in a certain standard of morality)   This one has been hard to learn, because it has meant trying to see things from a perspective I totally disagree with.  My example is this:  Some time people laugh at rape here.  This to me is sickening.  It makes me want to scream, it makes me want to cry.  It makes me want to grab their shoulders and shake them, screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!!” 

But I doubt that would change the attitude.  There are other things; polygamy, child brides, child sacrifice, attitudes towards homosexuality, women’s roles, beating and abuse, mob justice, and others.* 

I had to realize that not everyone shares the same standard of morality and behavior that I do.  It’s not easy to accept, but I have slowly learned, and am still learning how to live well and love people who you strongly disagree with. 

*Note:  Not everyone in Uganda/East Africa believes the same thing about these issues.  Moral standards and belief are an individual thing.  Please do not read this as an over arching commentary on Ugandan culture, it is NOT!  It is just the observation that different people have different understandings of right and wrong, you’ll find this in any culture.

So there they are.  The things I used t believe.