A Million Pieces

Note:  I depart from Uganda after 3 years here on June 3rd.  Many of my posts around this time will be various reflections on my time here in East Africa.

What does it feel like to be leaving?  How do you feel about leaving? 

I have no idea. 

It feels like the world is crashing down
Like a massive earth quake just struck

It feels like a quiet, still morning at a peaceful lake
It feels like the soft whisper of the breeze on a beautiful day

Leaving feels like my heart is being torn out
And that life is being breathed into me

It's not real, and it won't be
until planes and trains and thousands of miles away

Away, Away from these years
glory, terror, wonder, pain, progress and total failure.

What does it feel like to be leaving?
It feels like I am being cut into a million pieces
again
to be tossed on the winds of change
parts of my heart fly to every corner of the sky

And so I fly, beyond
half way around the world
and back again

To belong means nothing
I belong everywhere and nowhere

I leave behind those I have loved more deeply than I have ever before
I leave behind those who have hurt me more than I can speak
I leave behind old things, new things, death and life

And so I am going
I'm not really feeling
because if I were, it would be so much
far too much to speak
far too high for small words to satisfy

Laughter and Tears
Memories of these 3 years
More than I can ever tell, explain, unfold

All I can say are simple words;
I gave, I received
I lost, I gained
I trust that this was not in vain

What I used to believe

Inspired by “A Life Overseas”, a blog which I’ve been browsing this morning, I have decided to write my own “What I used to believe.”   I will quote from the post something which I found to be said incredibly well… 

“Moving overseas, however, tends to accelerate this process of change. When everything around you changes it is almost impossible not to change, too. If you open yourself at all to your new culture you will gain new ideas about what’s “normal”, and new ways of understanding right and wrong, honor and shame.”  (Click here to read the whole post)

You might not agree with the change I have gone through in my thinking, and way of seeing the world.  This is not meant to offend, but simply to share what I’ve learned, how I’ve changed and at least in part, where I am going towards.  If you don’t like what I have to say, you can write your own.

I’ll put the list, then under it an explanation of each. 

Noelle in Africa’s “I used to believe…”

        1. that rest was for the weak

        2. that I could become African

           3. that Jesus is enough

           4. that spending money to take care of myself was wrong
         5. that unless you lived like the locals you were doing something wrong 
         6. that being “homeless/placeless/not from anywhere specifically” was the best way to live

           7. that Africa was impoverish

           8. that friendship meant having shared interests and spending time together

           9. that I wasn’t capable of certain things   

       10. that there were right and wrong answers for just about everythin

           11. BONUS!  That everyone believed in a certain standard of morality   

1:  (that rest was for the weak) Yep.  I really did believe that.  And then reaped the consequences.  I went 13 months without a real break… and that was a disaster.  30 pounds, constant sickness, and total exhaustion later, I realized;  Rest is not for the weak, in fact it is for those who know themselves and value the work that they are doing.  It’s important to admit that we cannot do everything, all the time.

2:  (that I could become African)   Moving to Uganda I had high hopes of being able to “integrate” an d ”enculturate”… well, those soon faded.  The fact is, when you chose a life of any kind of overseas work, you are choosing to not belong anywhere. I don’t fit in Africa, and now I don’t fit in America.  The belief that I could be accepted as one of the people is hilarious now.  I just need to be content with being loved for who I am, American and all.   I’ve embraced the vision of living a bridge, helping people on both sides to grow in understanding, love and respect for each other.

3:  (the Jesus is enough) This one might offend someone.  Growing up and embracing a strong Christian faith, I was surrounded by and professed the belief that “Jesus is enough”… that He is enough strength, enough energy, enough love, and all of those thing.  Basically that He himself, in the essence of who He is, will provide for my every need, including emotional needs.  Well, after 2.5 years here, I have come to a point where I can say that is not true.  I LOVED this Blog post by the "The Very Worst Missionary" … She says exactly what I feel on the issue.

For those of you who don’t know, I have low thyroid.  I found out during my senior year of college.  It was brought on by the traumatic events of 2009.  I was able to get properly medicated, and faithfully take my thyroid every day.  About a year ago, I spiraled into a time of real depression, anxiety, anger, lethargy, and recognized the thyroid symptoms.  With the help of some great friends and my medical practitioner, I decided to up my dose of thyroid, and have been feeling fine since.

I don’t believe that Jesus is enough.  In lonely moments, during panic attacks, times of anger and depression, after traumatic events, you need PEOPLE, and you need HELP.  I don’t say this in any way to under value the amazing work that God does in our lives.  But I also believe that the “Jesus is enough” line can be dangerous.  We are relational beings, God never wanted to be “all that we needed” or he would have only made one of us.

4.  (that spending money to take care of myself was wrong)  I used to believe in ultimate frugality, if it wasn’t an utter necessity, you don’t get/do it.  Now, by the world’s standards, I am still a ridiculously frugal person… but at least I have learned that it’s ok to spend money to go to the gym, eat food that will not make you fat or sick, and occasionally even get a peddie for those nasty and abused toes. (This one is still a little hard, not going to lie)

5. (unless you lived like the locals, you were doing something wrong)  I learned most of these things the hard way.  I tried living in the village, sharing a house with African.  I did ok, honestly. But in the end, I couldn’t cut it.  And I finally realized that I didn’t have to.  Some people are able to live in environments that are harsh, I am one of them.  But I had to realize that it was ok to take care of personal certain needs.  I had to realize that no one expected me to be able to do everything like the locals.  This realization came around with #2.

6: (that being “homeless/placeless/not from anywhere specifically” was the best way to live)  Among the expat community in East Africa the question is always asked “where are you from?” or “where do you call home”?  And there is a tradition that you are somehow seen as “cooler” if you don’t really have a home, or have “moved around a lot”, or have “lived in X number of countries in the last 10 years”… yeah, it’s sort of cool, I’m sure you have good stories. 

But I’ve come to realize that I need roots, and that I need to be from somewhere.  So I’ve finally embraced it.  I’m from Michigan.  Ann Arbor is my home, and Grand Rapids is the city where I went to school and want to move back to.  If I bought a house today, it would be in Grand Rapids. 

I actually don’t have the traditional sense of home anymore, unlike most of my friends, my parents had to sell our house 6 years ago.  Thankfully I have friends who take me in, but I have realized I could embrace this “homeless” identity.   I’m not going to.  Having a place is healthy.  Having people you love and miss is a sign of strength.  So, I am from Michigan.  I like Michigan.  My second home is Dublin, Ireland.  I would live there for the rest of my life if I could.  I have place, I have people, and I am now ok with that. 

7:  (that Africa is impoverished)   I think you have to live here for a while to realize that this is totally not true.  I used to believe that Africa was poor, without resources, opportunity or access.  That is very much not true.  This place is incredibly rich with resource, climate, man power.  There are countless NGOs doing work in Uganda and Kenya.  I’ve learned that the “problem” is a lot more complex

8:  (that friendship meant having shared interests and spending time together)   I have a lot of Ugandan and East African friends.  I don’t necessarily have much in common with a lot of them, but I love them and they love me.  I also have a ton of friends in America, Europe, and Asia I never see… but I know that we are together in spirit and that we are stronger for knowing that the other is there.  This is especially true with those people who know you on an very deep level. 

9: (that I wasn’t capable of certain things)   I can be very prideful.  Over the years, I think I had a mental list of things that I could “never do”.  Yet, the last 3 years have taught me that, without a doubt, I am capable of any terrible thing.  I am just one step away, one fall from grace.  I’m not confessing that I’ve killed someone or something, just admitting that I am incredibly human and that if I was in different situations, I could do terrible things.  Seeing, hearing about, and experiencing poverty, violence, abuse, discrimination and danger gives you second chance to evaluate your personal ability to harm.

10.  (that there were right and wrong answers for just about everything)   I was a stubborn person, probably still am.  I’ve learned here that my personality type loves black and white, clear situations, easy to box things.  But I have also learned that nothing in life is black and white, that someone will always have an argument on the other side.

I DO still believe in Absolute Truth, and I think that we are coming into a time when many people do not believe that there is such a thing.  I just have learned that there are not as many absolutely right ways of doing, seeing, thinking as I thought there were. 

11:  (BONUS!  That everyone believed in a certain standard of morality)   This one has been hard to learn, because it has meant trying to see things from a perspective I totally disagree with.  My example is this:  Some time people laugh at rape here.  This to me is sickening.  It makes me want to scream, it makes me want to cry.  It makes me want to grab their shoulders and shake them, screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!!” 

But I doubt that would change the attitude.  There are other things; polygamy, child brides, child sacrifice, attitudes towards homosexuality, women’s roles, beating and abuse, mob justice, and others.* 

I had to realize that not everyone shares the same standard of morality and behavior that I do.  It’s not easy to accept, but I have slowly learned, and am still learning how to live well and love people who you strongly disagree with. 

*Note:  Not everyone in Uganda/East Africa believes the same thing about these issues.  Moral standards and belief are an individual thing.  Please do not read this as an over arching commentary on Ugandan culture, it is NOT!  It is just the observation that different people have different understandings of right and wrong, you’ll find this in any culture.

So there they are.  The things I used t believe. 

To Do or To Be

I have lived in Africa for one month short of 3 years.

I say that it is long enough to have learned something, and short enough to admit I don't really know anything.

As I prepare to leave this beautiful country, it is provided me many small moments for reflection both on my time here, and on what I've learned.

I am America, pure blooded middle class midwesterner.  My parents grew up in the mid west in hardworking middle class families.  They understood the value of hard work, and imparted it to me in wonderful ways.  My family taught me many fantastic values of the balance of hard work and time with the people you love. 

But I am also an American young person, in other words, my culture: school, town, TV, radio, work environment, peers, others around me imparted to me the fact that "to do is to be".

I started working at an office when I was 14 years old, I had to have a work permit to be able to be legally allowed to get paid.  I used my first pay check to pay to be able to go to homecoming.  I haven't really stopped working since.  (I have not always been "paid" for a lot of my work, but I usually work harder as a volunteer than I do when I have a paying job!) 

Now, I live in Africa.  And, after 3 years, it can't help but rub off on me.  Long, sunny, beautiful days.  Every day the same.  When rain comes, it is usually kind (though not always) and it rarely stays the whole day. In my experience of Africa, life is seen in circles.  The planting seasons, the growing season, the harvesting season, the dry season, repeat and repeat and repeat.  Life and times moves in circles, as does speech and stories, and conversation.  Circles happen, they aren't forces, they flow.  As with life and time, in Africa.

In my mind, America is a linear existence, ever moving forward to accomplish a new set of goals, it's a race against the ever ticking clock, furiously demanding that time is money and money is life.  Lines are pushed, forced, pioneered.  As with life and time, in America. 

And then we come to the definitions of our "self".  In America, we are defined by what we do.  Isn't that the first question you ask someone, after their name.  "What do you do?"  ... what is your job, your occupation, what consumes your time, where does your money come from, where does your sense of worth and satifcation lie?  ... For the majority of Americans what do we defines who we are.

 But I have seen that not to be the case here in Africa.  Many people do not have traditional employment, and there are a good number of people who are simply unemployed.  In my mind, they are represented by the men who sit under the mango trees all day.

And so this creates an essence of being.  Instead of demanding that you be defined by your activity, your production capacity, your work, you are simply defined by how you are, and how you chose to be. 

It is "I am" rather than "I do" ... and it is much, much more peaceful.

Over these last years I have tried to embraced this.  It grates against my inner person, battling with my hard wire perceptions that worth is connected to work.  Yet, through the frustration, there is something in me that knows the "to be is better than to do"... and as I have embraced this, I have seen its fruit. 

I don't always "do" much here.  I have probably wasted countless hours.  But I have strong, life giving relationships.  I have mentored over 40 young people, and seen them grow into amazing adults.  I have started an outreach which will be carried on for years, I have trained countless people, but what has mattered most in all of it is that I have chosen to "be" with the people I have worked with. I could talk and "work" all day, but that would not achieve anything.  Taking the time to be, to laugh, to sit, to listen, to play, to hug, to eat, to be.  That is what makes the difference.  That is what transforms.   Instead of demanding that the world around me works like my American trained mind does, I am able to embrace the fact that to do is not primary... to be is first.

At Cornerstone we have a wonderful saying which clearly captures this idea...

"What we do comes out of who we are" 

The idea is that relationships are first.  Patience, not production, is the highest virtue. Love truly wins, every time.  Or at least, it should.

No, I have not totally changed.  I still work hard, I still feel good after a long days work, I still run around sometimes acting like a very production driven American.  We don't change over night.

But I have learned.  Learned the value of time.  Learned to discover the value beyond occupation. Learned that there is so much more to life than doing, and that, even if it means having less, being should be the focus, doing should be a means to an end, not the definition of who I am. 

No one is right or wrong in this.  Americans need to learn to be, and Africans need to learn to use their time more productively.  We need to balance, but at the core of it all, I think that Africans understand more deeply the experience of being, and I chose to adopt that and try to live by it. 

A World of Opportunity and Big News!

The most recent Noelle in Africa Newsletters is now ready for your reading pleasure!

There is BIG NEWS in this update. so PLEASE Read it! 

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or comments about these new opportunities and changes!