What I used to believe

Inspired by “A Life Overseas”, a blog which I’ve been browsing this morning, I have decided to write my own “What I used to believe.”   I will quote from the post something which I found to be said incredibly well… 

“Moving overseas, however, tends to accelerate this process of change. When everything around you changes it is almost impossible not to change, too. If you open yourself at all to your new culture you will gain new ideas about what’s “normal”, and new ways of understanding right and wrong, honor and shame.”  (Click here to read the whole post)

You might not agree with the change I have gone through in my thinking, and way of seeing the world.  This is not meant to offend, but simply to share what I’ve learned, how I’ve changed and at least in part, where I am going towards.  If you don’t like what I have to say, you can write your own.

I’ll put the list, then under it an explanation of each. 

Noelle in Africa’s “I used to believe…”

        1. that rest was for the weak

        2. that I could become African

           3. that Jesus is enough

           4. that spending money to take care of myself was wrong
         5. that unless you lived like the locals you were doing something wrong 
         6. that being “homeless/placeless/not from anywhere specifically” was the best way to live

           7. that Africa was impoverish

           8. that friendship meant having shared interests and spending time together

           9. that I wasn’t capable of certain things   

       10. that there were right and wrong answers for just about everythin

           11. BONUS!  That everyone believed in a certain standard of morality   

1:  (that rest was for the weak) Yep.  I really did believe that.  And then reaped the consequences.  I went 13 months without a real break… and that was a disaster.  30 pounds, constant sickness, and total exhaustion later, I realized;  Rest is not for the weak, in fact it is for those who know themselves and value the work that they are doing.  It’s important to admit that we cannot do everything, all the time.

2:  (that I could become African)   Moving to Uganda I had high hopes of being able to “integrate” an d ”enculturate”… well, those soon faded.  The fact is, when you chose a life of any kind of overseas work, you are choosing to not belong anywhere. I don’t fit in Africa, and now I don’t fit in America.  The belief that I could be accepted as one of the people is hilarious now.  I just need to be content with being loved for who I am, American and all.   I’ve embraced the vision of living a bridge, helping people on both sides to grow in understanding, love and respect for each other.

3:  (the Jesus is enough) This one might offend someone.  Growing up and embracing a strong Christian faith, I was surrounded by and professed the belief that “Jesus is enough”… that He is enough strength, enough energy, enough love, and all of those thing.  Basically that He himself, in the essence of who He is, will provide for my every need, including emotional needs.  Well, after 2.5 years here, I have come to a point where I can say that is not true.  I LOVED this Blog post by the "The Very Worst Missionary" … She says exactly what I feel on the issue.

For those of you who don’t know, I have low thyroid.  I found out during my senior year of college.  It was brought on by the traumatic events of 2009.  I was able to get properly medicated, and faithfully take my thyroid every day.  About a year ago, I spiraled into a time of real depression, anxiety, anger, lethargy, and recognized the thyroid symptoms.  With the help of some great friends and my medical practitioner, I decided to up my dose of thyroid, and have been feeling fine since.

I don’t believe that Jesus is enough.  In lonely moments, during panic attacks, times of anger and depression, after traumatic events, you need PEOPLE, and you need HELP.  I don’t say this in any way to under value the amazing work that God does in our lives.  But I also believe that the “Jesus is enough” line can be dangerous.  We are relational beings, God never wanted to be “all that we needed” or he would have only made one of us.

4.  (that spending money to take care of myself was wrong)  I used to believe in ultimate frugality, if it wasn’t an utter necessity, you don’t get/do it.  Now, by the world’s standards, I am still a ridiculously frugal person… but at least I have learned that it’s ok to spend money to go to the gym, eat food that will not make you fat or sick, and occasionally even get a peddie for those nasty and abused toes. (This one is still a little hard, not going to lie)

5. (unless you lived like the locals, you were doing something wrong)  I learned most of these things the hard way.  I tried living in the village, sharing a house with African.  I did ok, honestly. But in the end, I couldn’t cut it.  And I finally realized that I didn’t have to.  Some people are able to live in environments that are harsh, I am one of them.  But I had to realize that it was ok to take care of personal certain needs.  I had to realize that no one expected me to be able to do everything like the locals.  This realization came around with #2.

6: (that being “homeless/placeless/not from anywhere specifically” was the best way to live)  Among the expat community in East Africa the question is always asked “where are you from?” or “where do you call home”?  And there is a tradition that you are somehow seen as “cooler” if you don’t really have a home, or have “moved around a lot”, or have “lived in X number of countries in the last 10 years”… yeah, it’s sort of cool, I’m sure you have good stories. 

But I’ve come to realize that I need roots, and that I need to be from somewhere.  So I’ve finally embraced it.  I’m from Michigan.  Ann Arbor is my home, and Grand Rapids is the city where I went to school and want to move back to.  If I bought a house today, it would be in Grand Rapids. 

I actually don’t have the traditional sense of home anymore, unlike most of my friends, my parents had to sell our house 6 years ago.  Thankfully I have friends who take me in, but I have realized I could embrace this “homeless” identity.   I’m not going to.  Having a place is healthy.  Having people you love and miss is a sign of strength.  So, I am from Michigan.  I like Michigan.  My second home is Dublin, Ireland.  I would live there for the rest of my life if I could.  I have place, I have people, and I am now ok with that. 

7:  (that Africa is impoverished)   I think you have to live here for a while to realize that this is totally not true.  I used to believe that Africa was poor, without resources, opportunity or access.  That is very much not true.  This place is incredibly rich with resource, climate, man power.  There are countless NGOs doing work in Uganda and Kenya.  I’ve learned that the “problem” is a lot more complex

8:  (that friendship meant having shared interests and spending time together)   I have a lot of Ugandan and East African friends.  I don’t necessarily have much in common with a lot of them, but I love them and they love me.  I also have a ton of friends in America, Europe, and Asia I never see… but I know that we are together in spirit and that we are stronger for knowing that the other is there.  This is especially true with those people who know you on an very deep level. 

9: (that I wasn’t capable of certain things)   I can be very prideful.  Over the years, I think I had a mental list of things that I could “never do”.  Yet, the last 3 years have taught me that, without a doubt, I am capable of any terrible thing.  I am just one step away, one fall from grace.  I’m not confessing that I’ve killed someone or something, just admitting that I am incredibly human and that if I was in different situations, I could do terrible things.  Seeing, hearing about, and experiencing poverty, violence, abuse, discrimination and danger gives you second chance to evaluate your personal ability to harm.

10.  (that there were right and wrong answers for just about everything)   I was a stubborn person, probably still am.  I’ve learned here that my personality type loves black and white, clear situations, easy to box things.  But I have also learned that nothing in life is black and white, that someone will always have an argument on the other side.

I DO still believe in Absolute Truth, and I think that we are coming into a time when many people do not believe that there is such a thing.  I just have learned that there are not as many absolutely right ways of doing, seeing, thinking as I thought there were. 

11:  (BONUS!  That everyone believed in a certain standard of morality)   This one has been hard to learn, because it has meant trying to see things from a perspective I totally disagree with.  My example is this:  Some time people laugh at rape here.  This to me is sickening.  It makes me want to scream, it makes me want to cry.  It makes me want to grab their shoulders and shake them, screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!!” 

But I doubt that would change the attitude.  There are other things; polygamy, child brides, child sacrifice, attitudes towards homosexuality, women’s roles, beating and abuse, mob justice, and others.* 

I had to realize that not everyone shares the same standard of morality and behavior that I do.  It’s not easy to accept, but I have slowly learned, and am still learning how to live well and love people who you strongly disagree with. 

*Note:  Not everyone in Uganda/East Africa believes the same thing about these issues.  Moral standards and belief are an individual thing.  Please do not read this as an over arching commentary on Ugandan culture, it is NOT!  It is just the observation that different people have different understandings of right and wrong, you’ll find this in any culture.

So there they are.  The things I used t believe. 

To Do or To Be

I have lived in Africa for one month short of 3 years.

I say that it is long enough to have learned something, and short enough to admit I don't really know anything.

As I prepare to leave this beautiful country, it is provided me many small moments for reflection both on my time here, and on what I've learned.

I am America, pure blooded middle class midwesterner.  My parents grew up in the mid west in hardworking middle class families.  They understood the value of hard work, and imparted it to me in wonderful ways.  My family taught me many fantastic values of the balance of hard work and time with the people you love. 

But I am also an American young person, in other words, my culture: school, town, TV, radio, work environment, peers, others around me imparted to me the fact that "to do is to be".

I started working at an office when I was 14 years old, I had to have a work permit to be able to be legally allowed to get paid.  I used my first pay check to pay to be able to go to homecoming.  I haven't really stopped working since.  (I have not always been "paid" for a lot of my work, but I usually work harder as a volunteer than I do when I have a paying job!) 

Now, I live in Africa.  And, after 3 years, it can't help but rub off on me.  Long, sunny, beautiful days.  Every day the same.  When rain comes, it is usually kind (though not always) and it rarely stays the whole day. In my experience of Africa, life is seen in circles.  The planting seasons, the growing season, the harvesting season, the dry season, repeat and repeat and repeat.  Life and times moves in circles, as does speech and stories, and conversation.  Circles happen, they aren't forces, they flow.  As with life and time, in Africa.

In my mind, America is a linear existence, ever moving forward to accomplish a new set of goals, it's a race against the ever ticking clock, furiously demanding that time is money and money is life.  Lines are pushed, forced, pioneered.  As with life and time, in America. 

And then we come to the definitions of our "self".  In America, we are defined by what we do.  Isn't that the first question you ask someone, after their name.  "What do you do?"  ... what is your job, your occupation, what consumes your time, where does your money come from, where does your sense of worth and satifcation lie?  ... For the majority of Americans what do we defines who we are.

 But I have seen that not to be the case here in Africa.  Many people do not have traditional employment, and there are a good number of people who are simply unemployed.  In my mind, they are represented by the men who sit under the mango trees all day.

And so this creates an essence of being.  Instead of demanding that you be defined by your activity, your production capacity, your work, you are simply defined by how you are, and how you chose to be. 

It is "I am" rather than "I do" ... and it is much, much more peaceful.

Over these last years I have tried to embraced this.  It grates against my inner person, battling with my hard wire perceptions that worth is connected to work.  Yet, through the frustration, there is something in me that knows the "to be is better than to do"... and as I have embraced this, I have seen its fruit. 

I don't always "do" much here.  I have probably wasted countless hours.  But I have strong, life giving relationships.  I have mentored over 40 young people, and seen them grow into amazing adults.  I have started an outreach which will be carried on for years, I have trained countless people, but what has mattered most in all of it is that I have chosen to "be" with the people I have worked with. I could talk and "work" all day, but that would not achieve anything.  Taking the time to be, to laugh, to sit, to listen, to play, to hug, to eat, to be.  That is what makes the difference.  That is what transforms.   Instead of demanding that the world around me works like my American trained mind does, I am able to embrace the fact that to do is not primary... to be is first.

At Cornerstone we have a wonderful saying which clearly captures this idea...

"What we do comes out of who we are" 

The idea is that relationships are first.  Patience, not production, is the highest virtue. Love truly wins, every time.  Or at least, it should.

No, I have not totally changed.  I still work hard, I still feel good after a long days work, I still run around sometimes acting like a very production driven American.  We don't change over night.

But I have learned.  Learned the value of time.  Learned to discover the value beyond occupation. Learned that there is so much more to life than doing, and that, even if it means having less, being should be the focus, doing should be a means to an end, not the definition of who I am. 

No one is right or wrong in this.  Americans need to learn to be, and Africans need to learn to use their time more productively.  We need to balance, but at the core of it all, I think that Africans understand more deeply the experience of being, and I chose to adopt that and try to live by it. 

A World of Opportunity and Big News!

The most recent Noelle in Africa Newsletters is now ready for your reading pleasure!

There is BIG NEWS in this update. so PLEASE Read it! 

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or comments about these new opportunities and changes! 

Hanging up the red cape

I’ve been sick.  Not deathly ill sick, but decently bed ridden.  It’s a bacterial infection… I knew it had to be that or malaria, nothing else in the world makes you feel the way that those illnesses do.  *Inexplicably terrible* 

I’ve been tired for a month or so.  February was pretty easy, after a busy January.  I was around Kampala in February, productive, working, but not traveling.  Then the travels started again. 

I know many of you will laugh at this comment, but I am not as young as I used to be.  I moved to Uganda when I was 23 years old, full of extra energy to go all over the place, in whatever mode of transport you wanted to put me.  But the years have passed, and I am 26… and somehow the taxis stuffed full of people, waiting on a bus for 5 hours before leaving for a 5-6 hour trip, arguing every price just to get something decently fair… it’s exhausting.

Jinja and Rwanda were excellent.  More on those later.  But I was still drained.  5 days of teaching, an overnight bus to Rwanda, meetings, people, lots of things in Rwanda… then back again at 5 AM to Uganda.  Tired.

I decided not to go on the Easter Retreat with Cornerstone.  I should have, I could have, but I am glad I didn’t.

Sometimes you just have to hang up that red superwoman cape and admit, “I can’t do it all, and that’s ok”.

I can’t do it all, and that’s ok.

We were supposed to have another course in Soroti this week.  It was canceled because we didn’t have enough participants, and I am glad.  I couldn’t have done it. 

Thursday to Saturday of last week  I went to Lake Buynoni with Sister Linda for a little get away.  It was great, but we took public transportation.  And I started getting pretty sick on Saturday.  Imagine being in a very uncomfortable taxi for hours while progressively getting sicker and sicker… this is the 2^nd time for me.  And it’s pretty horrible. And

So what do I take away from all of this?

Many things.  But most of all that it’s ok to not be able to do everything.  I don’t think anyone actually expects it of me, but I do demand it of myself.  Why, I don’t know.  I think it’s that American independent woman complex.  

It’s 12:30 in the afternoon, and I haven’t gone to work yet.  But for this week, that is really ok.  My red cape is hanging up in the corner, and I don’t feel like I have to put it on today.  I need to learn to be more human. 

Jinja 10 Principles... 5 days, great people!

Frank, waiting for the rain to pass

Andrew and Peter, discussing

Mama Betty, our wonderful cook

Joseph (7) "You are my wife!"... apparently, I got married

My bedroom light (my roof leaked)

Roger's studying

Thinking hard

Small group discussion

Natural beauty

Considering, learning, growing

Frank teaching, Kizito listening

Sunday night dinner

My favorite picture:  The nun and the Magistrate

Belated Photos... Jinja Weekend Away!

This is THE picture of the weekend... Tred was actually in motion!

Lunch  :)

Abi, looking beautiful, and flanked by toweled men!

Sarah!

Great view!

Sometimes, you just need rest.

Yen, Rocking John's hat!

The River Nile is beautiful!

Oh Uganda!

Of Kings and Priest

I'm playing catch up!  This is a post I wrote 2 weeks ago while in Jinja!  I'll also post some photos tonight, and try to put up another post about Rwanda tomorrow... before traveling again for 2 weeks!  Sorry I'm so behind! 

I am in a village called Bugembe, which is the next small town just after Jinja.  It’s a nice, fairly typical area.  We’re working from a youth center around the corner from where we are staying.

We are staying with the Holy Cross Fathers, who run the parish which is hosting us.  There are 4 men who live here, and various house staff.  There is a lot of space for guest, so each of us have our own rooms and other guests have come through since being here.

The priests and seminarians are great fun.  The first night, over an amazing meal including 2 kinds of meat, a variety of starches and other good food, we laughed at the subject of incredibly short priests.  The banter was incredibly hilarious, as they talked about the various priestly robes being too long, and other funny mental images.  It was great to laugh and enjoy simple and genuinely funny humor.   The second night, over an equally extravagant meal spread, we discussed the plight of Tanzania, and how incredibly closed the country is, with great laughter and joy.  It has been a great to have such fun company.

Our team is doing well, even as I sit here, the boys are laughing at the ridiculous things written in the local newspapers.   Our time as a team has been marked with joy, games, fun, and laughter.  Sometimes we laugh so hard we cry, it's wonderful.  You can’t ask for more!  I am here with Frank and Kizito (one of our interns, see the CV Blog!).  We are very tired at the end of the day, but it’s a good tired... exhausted from great work. 

I am in Musoga territory. It’s a tribe similar to the Buganda, but not as intense about cultural tradition.  Currently, they are Kingless.  The palace is just up the road from where I am, and one of the first things I was told when I came was “The place is here, but we don’t have a king”.  The situation is that in 1920, 11 chiefdoms decided to come together under a king.  They decided that the roll of King would be rotational among the different tribes.

Apparently, 5 years ago the King died, and his son tried to take the throne.  Well, the other chiefdoms would have none of that because the roll of king is supposed to rotate among the clans/cheifdoms.  So they are at a stand still, and have been for 5 years!  I vote that they have a wrestling match or a dual to decide.  It seems that those things would come in handy just about right now.  

It’s fascinating to me.  To have a place, in 2013, having issues with who will be there King!  The Musoga’s have their own parliament and ministers, as do other tribes which still maintain their monarchy.  Really interesting stuff!  It’s been great to hear about the situation from different people, and hear their perspectives on the situation.  I feel like if I was African, I would be really into Kingdoms and all that.  It’s like politics, with a crazy traditional, cultural edge!